Woodsmoke and Coffee

It’s all wrong now.

The days seem perfect on the surface.  The sun, the clouds, the big and wide bright blue sky, the wind in the tops of the tallest trees.

The weather is cool, but the smell is wrong.

It’s all wrong now.

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Air of this temperature should burn my throat, and the world should smell like wood smoke and hot coffee and toast and cigarettes.

It should not smell like cigars and dryer sheets and desperation.

And oh, I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.

I’m accused by some, in one breath, of not feeling enough for the ones that are gone, and in the very next breath of making you a laughingstock, painting verbal pictures of a redneck but they don’t know.

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They can’t understand how the world smells different and how much that means and how big of a hole can be caused by the absence of woodsmoke and toast.

They can’t understand that I don’t PROCESS grief, I HOUSE it.  That every single loss is RIGHT THERE every bit as open and bloody and raw because I didn’t lose you years ago, or months ago or days ago.  I didn’t lose you yesterday or an hour ago I lost you right now, right this very second and if I stop and if I think about it, it all becomes much to much to much.

I cannot look at your picture, I cannot hear your voice, I cannot open the letter I have in my top desk drawer and I cannot read it because I cannot keep losing you over and over and over.

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My sons were both born in the same week as you, but you only got to meet one of them and neither of them know you and neither of them have heard you sing, and I can’t think of you on your birthday because I have to think of them on theirs and it will always be one or the other because emotionally I can’t handle both.

Oh god how I miss you, and I want you back I do, I do want you back so much I want you back but I can’t go where you’ve gone and I’ll never see you again and it doesn’t matter if I wear my heart on my sleeve or crush it under a mountain of disassociation it doesn’t change the fact that you are gone.

(EDIT: I realized after posting that this also fits the Daily Post theme for today of aromatic.)

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